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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..” –Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix “ — Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, “Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to
I just did !!
One more: dumb Tiger Woods. |
England Out of Africa
Q:How is the American soccer team like a referee’s wife?
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There’s a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that “The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)” His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn’t keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, “Give me three whoppers.”
The cashier replies, “You’re worth every penny you’re paid, you can score like nobody else, and you’re the greatest player ever.”
Why are some players called “strikers?” Well, if you’ve ever been kicked in the shins by one, you’d know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don’t blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was “Just Say Yes!”
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, “OK, you can be the ref!”
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it’s not FIFA!
Source:
http://davidnsowards.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html
Continue reading about More 2010 World Cup Soccer Football Jokes
Comments made in the year 1955!
That’s only 55 years ago!
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it in Texas .
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now..
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.’
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids & grand kids too!
Continue reading about Comments made in the year 1955! That’s only 55 years ago!
What can I say, “A man’s home is his castle!”
“Maybe not!”
Continue reading about Sexy Fan 2010 World Cup Soccer Football Fail Maxine and Marvin
I asked my wife, “Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? When a woman wears a leather dress,
a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and
he begins to think irrationally.”
My wife asked, “Why?”
I said,”It’s because she smells like a new golf bag.”
and that’s when the fight started…
Carrots, Eggs & Coffee
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee… You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,‘What does it mean, mother?’
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak, just like ENGLAND at the World Cup. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened and bitter, just like France and Italy at the World Cup. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water just like the remaining teams at the 2010 WORLD CUP.
‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!
Continue reading about Inspirational 2010 World Cup Soccer Story and Joke England, France, Spain
You heard about the England bra?
All support, no cup.
What’s the differnce between a cup of coffee and England? Coffee stays in the cup longer.
Argentina are playing England in the world cup, and Messi says to the team, “listen you all seem tired, why don’t you have a night off, have a drink and I’ll play by myself.” So they agree and Messi goes to play England by himself.
At half time the Argentinian team check the score and they see ARG 1-0 ENG (Messi 37th min). They’re all impressed and get back to what theyre doing.
After the match finishes they check the score and see ARG 1-1 ENG (Lampard 85th min). They go to their dressing room and see Messi with his head in his hands. They tell him, “Come on, cheer up you got a draw all by yourself, that’s great.”Messi replies, “No you don’t understand, I got sent off in the 60th minute.”
John Terry reckons the players missed their friends and family… remind me again what he does with his friend’s family?
John Terry is so traumatized he won’t be able to sleep with a teammate’s wife for WEEKS.
In a class, the teacher is asking everyone what jobs their parents have…
Teacher to kid: and what does your dad do?
Jimmy: he’s a stripper in a gay bar and often lets other men touch his privates
After class, teacher takes Jimmy to one side…
Teacher: is that true about your dad?
Jimmy: no, he plays football for england but I was too embarassed to say.
I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a poor team we should easily have beaten.
I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.
Oxo are bringing ot a new cube to celebrate the World Cup. It’s a white backgroung with a red cross on it. They’re going to call it ……”The laughing stock”
That bird is fairly safe sitting on the goal post. Heskey’s playing.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didnt break in to the dressing room after all but was let in by Rob Green.
BBC Sports News:
“Watch: Highlights – England v Algeria. View Time 0:09”
Continue reading about More Jokes about England at the 2010 World Cup
The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a
doctor.'” And Little Johnny, at the back of the room, yelled out, “And there’s
the teacher; …she’s dead.”
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Continue reading about Airline Pilot and Attendants – Announcements and Jokes