Summary of the Icelandic Volcano Eruption:
I nearly blew my top when I heard about the Icelandic Volcano. The news exploded around the world and across the  internet! I thought it was a huge Volcano and the news left me trembling and quaking in my shoes. There were a lot of people spewing false information, and many were just full of hot air.  That funny dude on YouTube, who shouted, “I hate Iceland!â€, was just blowing off steam. Most of the ash cloud talk was going over my head. I especially had trouble trying to pronounce  EyJ -Eyjaf -Eyjafjall – oh forget it!  Eyjafjallajökull
Not only is the volcanic dust cloud disrupting air traffic, it is causing many ashen faces around Europe. I’m so tired of the old Geysir jokes about Ashland! The whole situation is so lavable but most of the jokes have not made me erupt with laughter!
Iceland has taken a lot of criticism. However, let’s clear the air. When the dust settles, we will understand that it wasn’t Iceland’s fault.
Now that Iceland is in the news so much, I wonder if it will become a tourist hotspot!
I just feel plume lucky that I live in Canada!
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FA cup final prediction
Ash-ley Coal scores the winner against Pompeii.
“Experts have warned that it could take years of work by experienced professionals to clean up after the volcano. That’s why Mum’s gone to Iceland.”
Sky News: Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice.” I believe the technical term is “water”.
| BBC News “Europe faces prolonged air chaos”… Ermmm, how can there be air chaos when we are all stuck on the ground. |
Funny how some on here Blow their top over nothing.
| I woke up this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air.
No change there then, I’ve been married to the bone idle slob for 20 years.
|
UK flights grounded for second day.
Must’ve had strict parents!
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“The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe.”
The ash cloud from a volcano in Iceland that has caused travel chaos across Europe has spawned numerous jokes on various Internet blog sites, Facebook and Twitter.
Iceland is only just emerging from the financial crisis and the North Atlantic island nation of just 320,000 has spent months wrangling with Britain and the Netherlands over debts incurred after its tops banks went under in 2008.
It owes the two countries some $5 billion as a result of its failed “Icesave” accounts, but many Icelanders fiercely oppose a repayment and say taxpayers should not have to pay for a mess left by private banks under the watch of other regulators.
“Icelandic taxpayer to Britons and Dutch: forget Icesave, kiss my ash!” one Twitter feed read.
Is Iceland getting the last word?
Jeremy Warner, assistant editor of The Daily Telegraph, wrote in a blog: “Call it Iceland’s revenge, but it appears there is no more effective a way for a small country to get its own back on a larger one than to have an erupting volcano in its midst.”
No trade embargo, however effective, could compete, he said.
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Must admit, I’m yet to ERUPT with laughter
These jokes have left me ashen faced.
For many more jokes about the Icelandic Volcano, click the following:
http://www.e-forwards.com/category/0-icelandic-volcano-jokes-and-pictures/
Continue reading about Iceland Volcano Ash Jokes and One liners
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Of The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Â Almost feels like a hybrid.
Iceland’s volcano ash is so dangerous that flying through the dust particles has been described by a pilot as being ‘a bit like negotiating one’s way up a badger’s arse”.
Airline traffic in Britain and other parts of northern Europe is at a standstill because of ash and smoke spewing into the air from a volcano in Iceland.
The ash, which can damage a plane’s engine, has blown as far south as London, officials said, forcing airlines to cancel hundreds of flights in the United Kingdom and Scandinavia.
Continue reading about Flying through volcanic ash ‘is like driving up a badger’s arse’ -no Joke!
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
“Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
(And you thought I didn’t have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)
Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll  will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..
If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘You received a very strange postcard today,’ she said.
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he replied. The Wife obeyed.
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT
Continue reading about Why do we love children? Jokes and One Liners