A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
‘Didn’t you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Angus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Now what the F**k would you say?’
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. Â This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government..
I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:
—————————————————————
Q.  What is Ontario ‘s Economic Stimulus payment?
A. Â It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Â Where will the government get this money?
A. Â From taxpayers..
Q. Â So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Â Only a smidgen.
Q. Â What is the purpose of this payment?
A. Â The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. Â But isn’t that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Â Shut up or you don’t get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
1. Â If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China .
2. Â If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. Â If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. Â If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ..
5. Â If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
6. Â If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. Â If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
1. Â Â spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. Â Â going to baseball or football games, or
3. Â Â hiring prostitutes, or
4. Â Â buying cheap beer or
5. Â Â getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada .
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you’re drunk enough to go get tattooed.
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Valentine’s Day is a time when we search out romantic quotes and sayings about love for a Valentine’s Day card.
Many prefer a humorous love quote or a funny Valentine’s Day saying.
Here are just a few:
“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” ~Unknown
“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.†~Unknown
“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.†~Tracy Smith
Continue reading about Humorous Quotes and Sayings About Valentine’s Day and Love
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if
someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son..”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in the archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! Â We missed theR! Â His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…
CELEBRATE!!!
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