Spring is the beginning of allergy season, and I’m allergic…to blooming idiots.
I tried hypnosis to quit smoking. Now every time I light up I quack like a duck.
I’m never depressed by rain. I was depressed long before it started raining.
Time for the annual parade of goofy-looking, overblown characters filled with gas. Or as I call them, relatives.
I’d consider hormone replacement therapy, but I’ve got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first.
I keep hitting “escape,” but I’m still here.
Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.
Butt jiggle is just my little way of..Waving goodbye!
I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
Get hooked up to high-speed Internet. It crashes a lot faster now.
On Labor Day, if one of my relatives sees a shadow, they all quit working for six weeks.
Few women admit their age. . . few men act it!
Here’s a go home remedy, Go Home. Hey. it’ll make me feel better!
Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.
I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won’t do now; Things I won’t do later; Things I’ll Never Do…
Sometimes I send out for pizza just to see if I can figure out what new place they’ve hidden the cheese.
I love a brisk walk breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard.
I have a holiday tradition — renting a holiday feel-good movie and refusing to feel good.
have my own phone feature: call ignoring.
I can never remember–is it “pass a cold and spread the flu” or “pass the flu and spread a cold”?
I tried paying my taxes with a smile. They wanted money.
Springtime reminds me of the ex. Especially when I’m pruning out the dead wood.
My idea of a triple is pullin’ three muscles at once.
Trust me. Tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are a bad combination.
Ever feel like you’ve had too much coffee? Me neither.
People who use unbearably long greetings on their answering machines deserve to hear the longest, loudest burp I can give ’em.
Fall makes me grumpy. In that way, it reminds me of winter. And spring. And summer.
Maybe I’ll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow…And maybe I won’t!
My idea of a hot romance novel is one you use for fireplace kindling.
Why go through all the trouble of carving scary faces into pumpkins when you can just thumb through the family photo albums?
It’s the Christmas shopping season–time for my bank balance to go south for the winter!
Those one-shoulder tops are great if you’re too lazy to shave both armpits.
The great thing about trading stocks on the Internet is that if you lose your shirt, you probably have another one hanging right there in your closet.
I have to take so many vitamin supplements now that I’m too full to eat any actual food.
Work through lunch? I don’t even work through work.
I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette.
I wasn’t going to do anything today…..and so far I’m right on schedule!
Sometimes wouldn’t you like to just put the whole day in your toilet……and then flush!
Isn’t it a little embarrassing to live in a country started by people who buckled their hats?
Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
I’m ready to listen. . . are you ready to think?
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable. . . like a coma.
Never go to bed angry. . . stay up and plot your revenge!
Have a nice day! (someplace else)
Don’t believe everything you think.
Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need.
Shhhh. . .that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
I don’t know what your problem is. . . but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.
If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
Before you came along we were hungry. . . now we’re fed up!
You’re not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
Would you like some cheese to go with that whine????
I’m busy now can I ignore you some other time???
Don’t let your mind wander. . . it’s too small to be let out on its own.
You really are as pretty as a picture. . . I’d like to hang you.
I’d like to give you a going-away present…first, do your part.
I hear you changed your mind at last. . . what did you do with the diaper?
I’d like to help you out. . . which way did you come in?
There is no vaccine against stupidity!
Life is TOO short to dance with ugly men.
I’m going south for the winter.. actually… some parts of me… are headed there already!
I think of hot-air ballooning as the most fear you’ll ever experience in a wicker basket.
Father’s Day is a chance for dads everywhere to fall asleep on the couch in a new tie.
I had some no-fat cheese on a pizza and it took me back…to the first time I ate paste.
What do I want out of life? You–out of my life. Now!
There’s a good reason why they charge so much for tickets to professional sporting events. Fans are gullible.
You learn something new every day. Usually, how dumb yet another person is.
I like to keep my lawn perfect–no matter how much I have to yell at the kid who cuts it.
I love cooking outdoors! No smoke alarms!
Softball has got to be my favorite summertime activity. I get a kick out of bald, paunchy guys who think they’re still athletes.
Fashion magazines are society’s way of saying “If you don’t feel inadequate already, read one of these!”
The problem with riverboat gambling is that you can’t tell if you’re queasy from losing your money or getting seasick.
The only thing wrong with public transportation is that it involves the public.
