Category Archives: 1. Funny Email Forwards
Maxine and Maxine cartoons: Her “Crabby” Story Explained – Maxine History and Sayings
Maxine is a comic character featured on Hallmark greeting cards and other products. She first appeared on greeting cards when Hallmark launched the Shoebox line of cards in 1986. Hallmark artist John Wagner created the character. She is known for her cantankerous and cynical attitude.
Maxine currently has two books published by Hallmark: It’s Not Menopause … I’m Just Like This and her newest book, And Another Thing: Maxine on Life, Love, and Losers, which was released fall 2007. Maxine.com offers more than 20 free e-cards featuring Maxine and her dog, Floyd. Maxine will celebrate her 25th anniversary in 2011.
John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia N.J.
She also makes you think – and makes you want to say, ‘So what?’ to what the world thinks.
Maxine’s cartoons would be some of the most eagerly awaited ones in over one hundred newspapers. Online, you can find her daily dose of crabbiness here.
Her husband, Marvin, has also become very popular and a great target for Maxine.
The wisdom of Maxine:
As I’ve Matured…
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
Training means learning the rules. Experience means learning the exceptions
metaphors
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
* Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on “All-you-can-Drink” night.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lightpost.
* It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a refusetruck reversing.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Texas beef.
* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming… ‘Wow! What a ride!’
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says… “Oh shit…she’s awake!!”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Life is sexually transmitted.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Maxine on….
“Driver Safety” – “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”
“Lawn Care” – “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
“the Perfect Man” – “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
“the Technology Revolution” – “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
“Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”
FUNNY EMAILS TO FORWARD AND JOKES
Maxine and Enjoying a Glass of Wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine…
And those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop…
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as  a public service
Dumb People – Genius Fail
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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..” –Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix “ — Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, “Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to
I just did !!
One more: dumb Tiger Woods. |
More 2010 World Cup Soccer Football Jokes
England Out of Africa
Q:How is the American soccer team like a referee’s wife?
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There’s a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that “The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)” His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn’t keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, “Give me three whoppers.”
The cashier replies, “You’re worth every penny you’re paid, you can score like nobody else, and you’re the greatest player ever.”
Why are some players called “strikers?” Well, if you’ve ever been kicked in the shins by one, you’d know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don’t blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was “Just Say Yes!”
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, “OK, you can be the ref!”
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it’s not FIFA!
Source:
http://davidnsowards.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html
Comments made in the year 1955! That’s only 55 years ago!
Comments made in the year 1955!
That’s only 55 years ago!
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.
‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.
‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it in Texas .
‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now..
‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’
‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.’
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids & grand kids too!
Sexy Fan 2010 World Cup Soccer Football Fail Maxine and Marvin
What can I say, “A man’s home is his castle!”
“Maybe not!”
Leather Dresses
I asked my wife, “Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? When a woman wears a leather dress,
a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and
he begins to think irrationally.”
My wife asked, “Why?”
I said,”It’s because she smells like a new golf bag.”
