Category Archives: 1. Funny Email Forwards

Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says,”Fluc you white people too”

A Blonde goes to Heaven
>
> A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St
> Peter
> met her at the Pearly Gates.  ‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is
> suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put
> up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly
> Arrivals.’
>
> ‘That’s cool’ said the Blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’
>
> ‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.
>
> ‘Which are?’ asked the Blonde.
>
> ‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with
> the
> letter ‘T’ ‘? The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
> The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
>
> ‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when
> I
> call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’
>
> So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
> thought (I expect you to do the same).
>
> The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she
> had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’
>
> ‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the
> letter T?’
>
> The Blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’
>
> St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
> answer can be applied to the question.
>
> ‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
> questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’
>
> The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’
>
> ‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’
>
> ‘Easy,’ said the Blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of
> February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of
> twelve seconds.’
>
> St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider
> your
> answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his
> head.
>
> A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the
> answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question
> absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
> answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
>
> The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
> answer.’
>
> ‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’
>
> ‘It’s Andy.’
>
> ‘Andy??’
>
> ‘Yes, Andy,’ said the Blonde.
>
> This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
> deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
> longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you
> arrive
> at THAT answer?’
>
> ‘Easy’ said the Blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
> billy
> boiled.’
>
> And the Blonde entered Heaven…
>
> … you’re  singing it now, aren’t you…??
>

Antes da partida contra o Atlético-MG pela Copa do Brasil, em um momento descontraído, os craques do Peixe ensaiam a coreagrafia adaptada de Single Ladies, da cantora Beyonce, para a gravação do comercial do patrocinador oficial SEARA.

Funny TV AD Football leading up to the World Cup in South Africa

La filial de Miami de la agencia La Comunidad, comandada por los hermanos Joaquín y José Mollá, lanzó una campaña para MTV asumiendo que en época de Mundial pierden audiencia. En este spot llamado Spooky, que se filmó en castellano, muestra cómo un hamster se transforma en un animal gigante que conmina al protagonista a

So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you,

what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will

get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!

New teeth, no problem.

Need glasses, great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

WHAT IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY?

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
—Alan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
—Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
—Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
—Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want any more kids.”
—Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
—Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
—Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
—Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
—Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
—Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
—Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
—Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ……

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck .”
—Ricky, age 10

2010 Census for the South

Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) None

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) What’s a road?