Category Archives: 1. Funny Email Forwards

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records.  These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

• The skin was moist and dry.

• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

• She is numb from her toes down.

• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

• Patient was alert and unresponsive.

• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• The patient refused autopsy.

• The patient has no previous history of suicides.

• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

• Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• Skin: somewhat pale but present.

• The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

AVERAGE:

Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:

Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:

Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:

Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:

Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:

Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:

Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:

Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:

Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:

Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:

Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:

Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:

Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:

Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:

Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:

Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:

Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:

Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:

A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:

Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:

Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:

A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:

Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:

Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:

A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:

Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:

Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:

Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:

An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:

Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:

Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:

Needs more to do.

HAPPY:

Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:

Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:

Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:

Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:

Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:

Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:

Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:

Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:

Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:

Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Ten great reasons to go to work naked

10. No-one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. “I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.”

3. It’s an inventive way to finally meet that ’special’ person in Human Resources.

2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!” ever again.

Funny Emails: According to the email, these are all true.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.