Category Archives: 2. Funny Emails
A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners
A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners
A Senior Citizen
– I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
– I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
– I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
– I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…
– I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
– I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
– I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
– I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
– I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
– I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
– I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
– I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
– I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
– I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
– I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
– I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
– I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
– I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
– I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
– I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
– I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
– I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
– I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?
HOW TO TELL A GOOD JOKE
After all, laughter is the best medicine.
“My wife said that her wildest sexual fantasy would be if I got my own apartment. -Rodney Dangerfield
Some people, Like Rodney Dangerfield, are just naturally funny.
Some people, Like Donald Trump, are funny…
Trump is a funny guy.
The rest of us have to prepare in order to tell a good joke.
But the most important advice I can give about How to tell a good joke is, start with a good joke.
Then, choose the right target. The joke needs to be suited to your audience.
It helps if the joke has a little truth in it.
Tell a joke about recent events.
Exaggerate, just a little.
Create anticipation ~~~ “Take my wife – please!â€Â -Henny Youngman
Make the joke your own. Make it about something in your personal life.
And practise, practise, practise!
“Ah, Signor Halt,’ he said uncertainly, ‘you are making a joke, yes?’
‘He is making a joke, no,’ Will said. ‘But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.â€
― John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja
Jane Goodall Says Donald Trump…
Jane Goodall Says Donald Trump Reminds Her Of How Chimpanzees Act To Get Attention
Trump Monkey
In Trump, Goodall sees a male chimpanzee trying to gain dominance by making as much noise as possible.
In many ways the performances of Donald Trump remind me of male chimpanzees and their dominance rituals,†Goodall said. “In order to impress rivals, males seeking to rise in the dominance hierarchy perform spectacular displays: stamping, slapping the ground, dragging branches, throwing rocks. The more vigorous and imaginative the display, the faster the individual is likely to rise in the hierarchy, and the longer he is likely to maintain that position.â€
Olympic Games History
Olympic Games History
 Â
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa’-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
  In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter.
Olympic Games History
 At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: “Oh! Limp pricks!”.
 Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”.
 Now you know….
Olympic History Humor
 Don’t bother to thank me, I enjoy discussing history.
MORALS
Morals
Are you as moral as you think you are?
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
You suddenly realize who it is.
It’s Donald Trump!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful Republican men hell bent on the destruction of America.
THE QUESTION:
Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.
“Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?”
