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Category Archives: 4. Old Age Or Golden Years Jokes
Snowbirds and US Immigration
British Humour
British pet ads,,,,,,and a little something extra for you teachersÂ
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites! Â
FREE PUPPIESÂ
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. Â
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.Â
WEDDING DRESS FORÂ SALE .Â
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is… ****
FORÂ SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Â
Statement of the Century Â
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.  “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” ÂÂÂ
Grandma’s Christmas Invitation
A little humorous smile for you,if you can remember that far back. Merry ChristmasÂ
Grandma’s Christmas Invitation (Priceless)
Those of us who are of an older generation will appreciate this
Dear Family,
I’m not dead yet.Christmas is still important to me.
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.Dinner is at 2:00 p.m.
Not 2:15.
Not 2:05.
Two. 2:00.
Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.
This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot.You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Christmas needing to use the oven and the stove to prepare your contribution to the meal.Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.Now, the house rules are now slightly different this year.New House Rules:1. I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.Therefore Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.Besides, I don’t have to worry that you might break my good china when you offer to ‘do dishes’ and don’t understand that means ‘wash them in the sink, dry them and put them away, ’ not ‘stick them in the dishwasher and leave them for a week.
4. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in my front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook.
You shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.5. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
6. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good.
Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.7. Salad at Christmas is a waste of space.
8. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. If I find one in my house I have a hammer to deal with it.
9. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.10. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over.Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things. If you don’t watch your kids, remember that I have a hammer.11. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.13. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch.
That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.14. Showing up for Christmas guarantees presents at Birthdays.
Not showing up may or may not guarantee a card that may or may not be signed.In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.(I realize that might be a difficult choice, so think about a cab because I don’t want any arguments on my front door step. Remember, I have a hammer.)I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma.
Old Age Jokes
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain y
ou’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.Â
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’Â
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’Â
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’Â
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’Â
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.Â
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:Â
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’Â
‘Yep!’Â
‘Do I know her?’Â
‘Nope!’Â
‘This woman, is she good looking?’Â
‘Not really.’Â
‘Is she a good cook?’Â
‘Nah, she can’t cook too well.’Â
‘Does she have lots of money?’Â
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’Â
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’Â
‘I don’t know.’
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’Â
A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’Â
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour. ‘What kind is it?’Â
‘Twelve thirty.’Â
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.Â
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.Â
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’Â
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’Â
One more……..
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!
Thought You Knew Everything
Thought you knew everything?
Stewardesses is the longest word
typed with only the left hand.Â
And ‘lollipop’Â is the longest word typed
with your right hand.Â
(Bet you just tried these out mentally, didn’t you?)
No word in the English language rhymes withÂ
month , orange,silver, or purple.Â
‘ Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’. Â
(Are you doubting this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence:
‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’
uses every letter of the alphabet.Â
(Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words ‘racecar,’Â Â
‘kayak’
and ‘level’
are the same whether they are read left to right   or right to left (palindromes). Â
(Yep, I knew you were going to ‘do’ this one.)
There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.  Â
(You’re not possibly still doubting any of this, are you ?)
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’Â
(Okay, admit it, you just went through ⤘ a-e-i-o-u ⤙ in your head) Â
TYPEWRITERÂ Â is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Â
(All you typists are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each earÂ
A goldfish has a memory span of three secondsÂ
(And, some days I think I ⤙ m right there with them.)
A ‘jiffy’Â Â Â is an actual unit of time, 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Â
A snail can sleep for three years.Â
(I know some people that could do this too!)Â Â
Almonds are a member of the peach family.Â
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.Â
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)
Babies are born without kneecaps
They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.Â
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Â
If the population of China  walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.Â
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2,
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he didn ⤙ t have dynamite.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara FallsÂ
froze completely solid
There are more chickens than people in the world.Â
Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know a lot more than you did before!!
The Rain-   Thomas Kinkade Â
This is a Thomas Kinkade painting It’s rumoured to carry a miracle!
They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
I am passing this on because I thought it was neat
and besides, who couldn’t use a miracle?!
  Now you know everything ……………………….. ……………………..
Retired People Humour
| The Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from a recent Forum |
|
| Q:Â Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? | A:Â Try a bookstore, under Fiction. |
| Q:Â What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? | A:Â Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live. |
| Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true? Where can it be found? |
A:Â Yes. Matthew 14:92:Â “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…” |
| Q:Â How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband? | A:Â Tell him you’re pregnant. |
| Q:Â How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? | A:Â Take off your glasses. |
| Q:Â Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? | A:Â Go braless. It will usually pull them out.. |
| Q:Â Why should 70 plus year old people use valet parking? | A:Â Valets don’t forget where they park your car. |
| Q:Â Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? | A:Â Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem. |
| Q:Â As people age, do they sleep more soundly? | A:Â Yes, but usually in the afternoon. |
| Q:Â Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses? | A:Â On their foreheads. |
| Q:Â What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? | A:Â “Gosh, I remember these!” |
| SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor! | |
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!Â
Â
We Must Organize to Stop This Immediately!Â
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?  Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long    our street had become!Â
And, you know, people are less considerate now–especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am–a lip reader?Â
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age… On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.Â
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY, NOW– even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!Â
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, judging from the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear-view mirror…Â
Clothing manufacturers are less civilizedthese days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make   bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial?? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?Â
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on–but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small  type that no one could ever find a number in there!All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!ÂUnless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.Â
A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners
A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners
A Senior Citizen
– I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
– I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
– I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
– I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…
– I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
– I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
– I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
– I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
– I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
– I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
– I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
– I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
– I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
– I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
– I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
– I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
– I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
– I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
– I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
– I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
– I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
– I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
– I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?
