We have 3 stupid stages of life………..
Teen age:
Have Time + Energy …but No Money
Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time
Old age:
Have Time + Money …but no Energy
Category Archives: 4. Old Age Or Golden Years Jokes
3 stages of life
Lessons Life Taught Me!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio!!!
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4 Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
34. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
35. Your children get only one childhood.
36. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
37. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
38. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.
39. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
40. The best is yet to come.
41. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
Silence is not always Golden!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let’s stand in silence for 2 minutes.
and that’s when the fight started…
Buddies Old Age Joke
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore..
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends……it will be their Laugh for the day
Funny email forward
My Hearing is Perfect Now
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.â€
“Really,†answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?â€
“Twelve thirty.â€
Growing Older Message
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
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I forgot what it was…..
Shit …
My Private Part Died Today! Very Funny Joke
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living
the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Tracy ,” said Mr. Wallace,
“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry,
Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down
the hall with his Private Part hanging
out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
“Mr. Wallace,” she said, “you shouldn’t be walking
down the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Wallace,
” I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?”
You gotta love this.
“Well, he replied, ‘Today’s the viewing.
Click on the following for many more Jokes for
The Golden Years
http://goldenyearshumor.blogspot.co
True love in the twilight years…
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what it is.”