A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if played fast, he could squeeze in nine holes before he had to head home for dinner.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the fellow golfer to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste any time.

Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With the challenge placed before him, the younger golfer swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

Trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had; an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to
do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.). Horrified, she asked if I
ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I
stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setters ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all the time in the world
to think of crazy things to say.

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?” The medicine man replies, “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year.”

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, “123.”

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”

Comments made in the year 1955!
That’s only 55 years ago!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $10.00.

‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

‘If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.

‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it in Texas .

‘Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now..

‘It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

‘Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

‘There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

‘No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.’

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.’

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’