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What do you do at Christmas?
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas She called on young Patrick Murphy.
“Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?” She asked.
Patrick addressed the class, “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
“Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office we all pile into the Mercedes, then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, and see all of the empty shelves we all begin to sing ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ Then we all go to the Bahamas.”
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year..
Hope Santa comes to your house too!
Get One At – Friendster Comments
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Swine Flu…
Bear, A Lion and a Pig ………….
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: “if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”
Lion says: “if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.”
Pig says: “big deal…. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself.”
Oil Crisis
A  lot of folks can’t understand how we  came
to  have an oil shortage here in  Canada .
Well, Â there’s a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered  to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we  were getting low.
The  reason for this is  purely geographical.
Our  Oil is located  in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL Â NEW Â BRUNSWICK
COASTAL Â NEWFOUNDLAND
Our DIPSTICKS are   located   in OTTAWA
Any  Questions ???
NO  ?….  Didn’t  think so.
Are You Kathlick?
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”
When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”
They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians”!!
Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2
days then skip a day…… and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.’
‘The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the skippin’ !!
I’ve learned that…
I’ve learned..
That life is like a
Roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets
To the end, the
Faster it goes.
I’ve learned…
That we should be
Glad God doesn’t
Give us everything
We ask for.
I’ve learned that…
Money doesn’t
Buy class.
I’ve learned that…
it’s those small daily happenings
that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned that…
That under everyone’s
Hard shell is someone
Who wants to be
Appreciated
And loved.
I’ve learned that…
That the Lord didn’t
Do it all in one day
What makes me
Think I can?
I’ve learned that…
That to ignore the
Facts does not
Change the facts.
I’ve learned that…
That the less time
I have to work,
The more things
I get done.