The Male Stages Of Life
AGEÂ Â Â Â Â Â DRINK
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â beer
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â vodka
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â scotch
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â double scotch
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My parents are away for the weekend.
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My wife is away for the weekend.
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “tongue”
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “breakfast”
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Got home alive.”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â getting to third
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â airplane sex
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â menage a trois
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â taking the company public
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â roaches
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â stoned-out college roommate
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â German Shepherd
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â children from his first marriage
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Barbi
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 25
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 35
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 48
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 66
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 17
The Female Stages Of Life
AGEÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â DRINK
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Wine Coolers
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â White wine
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Red wine
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Dom Perignon
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to wash my hair
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to wash and condition my hair
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to colour my hair
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to have Francois colour my hair
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Burger King”
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Free meal”
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “A diamond”
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “A bigger diamond”
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Home Alone”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome with money
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â a man with hair
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â a man
HOUSE PET
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Muffy the cat
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 17
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 25
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 35
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 48
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 66
IDEAL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He offers to pay
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He pays
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He cooks breakfast the next morning
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He can chew breakfast
funny email forward
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice.
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.â€
“Sirâ€, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?â€
“You’re darn right it is!†replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!â€
What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors?
Nudity.
Sex Therapist
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor:’Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'”
The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!
Continue reading about A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
Five Surgeons…Leave it to the Newfie
Five surgeons are talking:
The first, an Ontario surgeon, says:Â “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”
The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers… those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and rear end are interchangeable.”
Continue reading about Five Surgeons…Leave it to the Newfie -Canadian Political Joke