Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room—the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
“Whoa!” the second kid replies. “Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
A little boy went up to his father and asked; “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”
and that’s when the fight started……
few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blond woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It’s always been there.”
The mechanic gave the blond a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”
Scroll down to see what a 710 is!
A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, “Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What’s more, the bloke sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D’ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Ach, nah…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
You will be safe, but I’m just emailing you to say goodbye.
funny emails to forward
The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’ arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
‘BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing.. I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true
Maxine Jokes – funny emails to forward
Gardening is one of my hobbies. Until very recently, I spent a great deal of time and effort driving to various garden centres to find the perfect accessories for my garden. However, lately, I have become much more comfortable purchasing items online. The biggest advantage to buying items online is that you save a great deal of time and effort. When you shop for books, music, gift baskets and garden supplies such as fiber glass planters online, you get a tremendous selection and you know exactly what you are ordering.
I purchased a fiberglass planter over the internet and was very happy with the product when it arrived at my home. A number of sites, such as eplanters.com are designed to help the customer with the shopping experience and completing the transaction easily and thoroughly. They also offer a wide variety of products at reasonable prices. I found that fiberglass planters look great in my garden. Not only was it very decorative but the quality was excellent and I’m confident that it will last a long time.
The Internet is there 24/7, and is always willing to wait for you to come make a purchase whether it be the latest novel or the fiber glass planters that you know will be beautiful in your garden.
Note: The preceding was a paid review.