John on January 22nd, 2017

TRUMP doesn’t get it!!!

 

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John on October 27th, 2016

husbands-secrets-humor

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John on September 19th, 2016

Jane Goodall Says Donald Trump Reminds Her Of How Chimpanzees Act To Get Attention

monkey animation -company policy

Trump Monkey

In Trump, Goodall sees a male chimpanzee trying to gain dominance by making as much noise as possible.

In many ways the performances of Donald Trump remind me of male chimpanzees and their dominance rituals,” Goodall said. “In order to impress rivals, males seeking to rise in the dominance hierarchy perform spectacular displays: stamping, slapping the ground, dragging branches, throwing rocks. The more vigorous and imaginative the display, the faster the individual is likely to rise in the hierarchy, and the longer he is likely to maintain that position.”

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John on August 17th, 2010

A little boy went up to his father and asked; “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

itchy-and-scratchy

and that’s when the fight started……

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John on August 17th, 2010

alien-11
Aliens are coming to Earth on Friday and their mission is to abduct all the good looking and sexy people.

You will be safe, but I’m just emailing you to say goodbye.

funny emails to forward

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John on August 14th, 2010

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

and that’s when the fight started…

itchy-and-scratchy -fight started

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John on August 5th, 2010

Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

————————————————————————————————————-

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

tweety - too bad

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All you think about is soccer!


My Wife: ‘Soccer, soccer, soccer! That’s all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house’ work, I think I’d drop dead from the shock!’

Me: ‘It’s no good trying to bribe me, dear.’



and that’s when the fight started…

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John on July 21st, 2010

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches
I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?”
The husband asks, ”What happened?”

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not Have
a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache..”

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.”

The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of
Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and
jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never
before.

His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back
into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The
First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my Wife.
She’s Not my wife.
She’s not my wife…”

That's hypnotism!

and that’s when the fight started…

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John on July 19th, 2010

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”

Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: When will women will be equal to men?
A: When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Fact: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Fact: I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Fact: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

jay-and-silent-bob- men compared to women

and that’s when the fight started…

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