John on December 11th, 2016

A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners

A Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen…

– I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.

– I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

– I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

– I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…

– I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

– I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

– I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

– I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

– I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

– I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

– I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…

– I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

– I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

– I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

– I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…

– I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

– I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

– I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

– I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.

– I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

– I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

– I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.

– I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?

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John on October 27th, 2016

husbands-secrets-humor

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John on July 1st, 2016

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?

Snagglepus,Heavens to Murgatroyd  Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase!  He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old… Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle…

 

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.

 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.  Heavens to Betsy!  Gee whillikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat!   Holy moley!  We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China !

 

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back.  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!, or, This is a fine kettle of fish!, We discover that the words we grew up with,- the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone.

 

Where have all those phrases gone?  Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!  Going like sixty.  I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels’ Heavens to Murgatroyd!  It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!

 

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times.  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.  It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.  See ya later, alligator!

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John on May 10th, 2016
RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND 
old age humor

You know you are old when…

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young sales lady walks over and asks, “What brings you in today?”   
 
I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond. 
 
Am I getting to be that age? 
You know you are old when…
 
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener instead. 
 
I was thinking about old age and decided old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too damn tired to bounce it. 
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it “Pumping Rust.”

 You know you are old when…
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to reply, “No, it’s just for company!” 
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, “An ambulance.” 
 
Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your car. 
 
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really close friends. 
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy its replacement. 
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL? 
 
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’sreally in trouble.. 
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’   and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells   ‘Theirs…’?
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
 
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. 
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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The Real Reason You Walk Into A Room And Forget What You Went In For

Old Age Wisdon and memory

If you don’t want to forget why you went in in the first place! [Photo: jaymantri.com via Pexels]

It’s one of life’s little mysteries. The very second you walk into a room, you completely forget why the heck you went in there in the first place. Two seconds ago we knew exactly what we were doing. Now? Nada, zip, diddly squat…you get the idea.

For years we’ve been wondering if it’s yet another downright annoying side effect of getting older. Wrinkles, under-eye bags and getting (even more) forgetful. But apparently science says it’s not our fault.

More at:

https://ca.style.yahoo.com/post/143574785075/the-real-reason-you-walk-into-a-room-and-forget

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John on April 27th, 2016

fat funny quote

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John on August 17th, 2010

One dayOne day, long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full of BS…

But this was a long, long time ago…

And it was just one day.

The End

funny emails to forward, maxine jokes

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John on August 16th, 2010
The  Elderly Irish Virgin!!!
In  a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old  lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing  that her final days were rapidly approaching,  and desiring to make sure everything was in  proper order when she dies, she went to the  town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the  local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’  arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the     undertaker
that  she wanted the following inscription engraved on  her tombstone:
‘BORN  A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not  long after, the old maid died peacefully.     A  few days after the funeral,    as  the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare  the tombstone that the lady had requested, it  became quite apparent that the tombstone that  she had selected was much too small for the  wording that she had chosen  He  thought long and hard about how he could fulfill  the old maid’s final request, considering the  very limited space available on the small piece  of stone.
For  days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally  his experience as a postal worker allowed him to  come up with what he thought was the appropriate  solution to the problem.
The  virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and  duly engraved, and it read as follows:
‘RETURNED   UNOPENED’

Irish Virgin 1

The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Irish Virgin 2Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,  and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’ arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker
Irish Virgin-3that she wanted the following inscription engraved on  her tombstone:
‘BORN  A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.  Irish Virgin-4 A few days after the funeral,Irish Virgin-5 as the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that  she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen Irish Virgin-6He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill  the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
Irish Virgin-7 For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

Irish Virgin-8
The  virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

‘RETURNED   UNOPENED’

Irish Virgin-RIP

Have a nice day-animationFUNNY EMAILS TO FORWARD, IRISH JOKES

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John on August 16th, 2010
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again
.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a
Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them

Maxine - walking


If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true

Maxine Jokes  – funny emails to forward

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John on August 15th, 2010

facebook_I just don't get it-fan

I’m trying to become a fan, but I just can’t get a clear “handle” on Facebook!

Any advice would be welcome.

FUNNY EMAIL TO FORWARD

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