John on September 28th, 2017

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’


‘Sure.’


‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.


‘No, I can remember it.’


‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’


He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’


‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain y

ou’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’


Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

‘Where’s my toast?’



 

 

 

 

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.’ 
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’ 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’ 
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

 

 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ 
‘Yep!’ 
‘Do I know her?’ 
‘Nope!’ 
‘This woman, is she good looking?’ 
‘Not really.’ 
‘Is she a good cook?’ 
‘Nah, she can’t cook too well.’ 
‘Does she have lots of money?’ 
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ 
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’ 
‘I don’t know.’

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’ 


A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ 

‘Really,’ answered the neighbour. ‘What kind is it?’ 
‘Twelve thirty.’ 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’ 
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
 

 

 

 

 

 

One more……..

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

 

Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!

Continue reading about Old Age Jokes

John on August 16th, 2017

Thought you knew everything?

Stewardesses is the longest word
typed with only the left hand. 

 


And ‘lollipop’ is the longest word typed
with your right hand. 
(Bet you just tried these out mentally, didn’t you?)

 

 

 

No word in the English language rhymes with 
month , orange,silver, or purple. 

 

‘ Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.  
(Are you doubting this?)

 

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

 

 

 

 

The sentence:

‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’

 

uses every letter of the alphabet. 
(Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The words ‘racecar,’  

‘kayak’

and ‘level’

are the same whether they are read left to right   or right to left (palindromes).  
(Yep, I knew you were going to ‘do’ this one.)

 

There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.   
(You’re not possibly still doubting any of this, are you ?)

 

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’ 
(Okay, admit it, you just went through  a-e-i-o-u  in your head)  

 


TYPEWRITER  is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 
(All you typists are going to test this out)

 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear 

 

 

 

 

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds 
(And, some days I think I  m right there with them.)


A ‘jiffy’    is an actual unit of time, 1/100th of a second.

 


A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.  


A snail can sleep for three years. 
(I know some people that could do this too!)  

 

 

 

 

 


Almonds are a member of the peach family. 


An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. 
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

 

 

Babies are born without kneecaps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

 

 


February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 

 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.  

 

If the population of China  walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 

 


Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

 


Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

 

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

 


The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cruise liner, QE 2,

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he didn  t have dynamite.)

 

 

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls 
froze completely solid

 

 

 

There are more chickens than people in the world. 

 

 

 


Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

 

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

 

 

Now you know a lot more than you did before!!

 

 

The Rain-   Thomas Kinkade  

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting It’s rumoured to carry a miracle!
They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.


I am passing this on because I thought it was neat

and besides, who couldn’t use a miracle?!

 

 

  Now you know everything ……………………….. ……………………..

Continue reading about Thought You Knew Everything

John on August 2nd, 2017

Continue reading about OLD AGE HUMOR ~ CALORIES

John on July 31st, 2017

Old Age Humor

The Association of Retired People

Questions and Answers from a recent Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true? 
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 70 plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor!

 

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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! 

 
We Must Organize to Stop This Immediately! 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting 
steeper?   Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long    our street had become! 
Description: cid:DF2C343E1F016B4FA9B6970A286F8228@namprd22.prod.outlook.comAnd, you know, people are less considerate now–especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face!  What do they think I am–a lip reader? 
Description: cid:943973DAE7494D9BB4C568B9DD3A9CA3@OwnerPCI also think they are much younger than I was at the same age…  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me. 
Description: cid:731E09E564DF48359042F047A595B82E@OwnerPCI got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY, NOW– even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 
Description: cid:ED0AD629EEA44CBCBF26E0AE286D8C93@OwnerPCAnother thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, judging from the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear-view mirror… 
Description: cid:3F3671DC5FA34E0F922A2BBE6783AA8D@OwnerPCClothing manufacturers are less civilizedthese days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make   bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial??  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they’re fooling? 
Description: cid:78861992FF564265B5031887F3AE70FB@OwnerPCI’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on–but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small   type that no one could ever find a number in there!All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! 

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. 

Continue reading about THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

John on December 11th, 2016

A Senior Citizen – Jokes and One Liners

A Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen…

– I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.

– I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

– I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

– I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…

– I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

– I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

– I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

– I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

– I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

– I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

– I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…

– I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

– I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

– I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

– I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…

– I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

– I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

– I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

– I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.

– I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

– I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

– I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.

– I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?

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John on October 27th, 2016

husbands-secrets-humor

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John on July 1st, 2016

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?

Snagglepus,Heavens to Murgatroyd  Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase!  He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old… Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle…

 

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.

 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.  Heavens to Betsy!  Gee whillikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat!   Holy moley!  We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China !

 

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back.  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!, or, This is a fine kettle of fish!, We discover that the words we grew up with,- the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone.

 

Where have all those phrases gone?  Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!  Going like sixty.  I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels’ Heavens to Murgatroyd!  It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!

 

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times.  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.  It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.  See ya later, alligator!

Continue reading about Heavens to Murgatroyd

John on May 10th, 2016
RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND 
old age humor

You know you are old when…

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young sales lady walks over and asks, “What brings you in today?”   
 
I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond. 
 
Am I getting to be that age? 
You know you are old when…
 
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener instead. 
 
I was thinking about old age and decided old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too damn tired to bounce it. 
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it “Pumping Rust.”

 You know you are old when…
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to reply, “No, it’s just for company!” 
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, “An ambulance.” 
 
Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your car. 
 
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really close friends. 
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy its replacement. 
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL? 
 
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’sreally in trouble.. 
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’   and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells   ‘Theirs…’?
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
 
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. 
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Continue reading about You know You’re Old When…

The Real Reason You Walk Into A Room And Forget What You Went In For

Old Age Wisdon and memory

If you don’t want to forget why you went in in the first place! [Photo: jaymantri.com via Pexels]

It’s one of life’s little mysteries. The very second you walk into a room, you completely forget why the heck you went in there in the first place. Two seconds ago we knew exactly what we were doing. Now? Nada, zip, diddly squat…you get the idea.

For years we’ve been wondering if it’s yet another downright annoying side effect of getting older. Wrinkles, under-eye bags and getting (even more) forgetful. But apparently science says it’s not our fault.

More at:

https://ca.style.yahoo.com/post/143574785075/the-real-reason-you-walk-into-a-room-and-forget

Continue reading about Ever Walk Into A Room and Forget What You Went In For???