FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $!00.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $50 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
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The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
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Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
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The skin was moist and dry.
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Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
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She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
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The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
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I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
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The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
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Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
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She is numb from her toes down.
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The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
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Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
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While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
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The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
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The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
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Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
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Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
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Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
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Patient was alert and unresponsive.
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When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
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Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
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On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
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The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
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The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
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Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
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Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
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The patient refused autopsy.
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The patient has no previous history of suicides.
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Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
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Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
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Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
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Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
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The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
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Skin: somewhat pale but present.
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The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
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Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
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Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
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Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Ten great reasons to go to work naked