John on August 17th, 2010

One dayOne day, long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full of BS…

But this was a long, long time ago…

And it was just one day.

The End

funny emails to forward, maxine jokes

Continue reading about Just one day!

John on August 16th, 2010
The  Elderly Irish Virgin!!!
In  a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old  lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing  that her final days were rapidly approaching,  and desiring to make sure everything was in  proper order when she dies, she went to the  town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the  local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’  arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the     undertaker
that  she wanted the following inscription engraved on  her tombstone:
‘BORN  A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not  long after, the old maid died peacefully.     A  few days after the funeral,    as  the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare  the tombstone that the lady had requested, it  became quite apparent that the tombstone that  she had selected was much too small for the  wording that she had chosen  He  thought long and hard about how he could fulfill  the old maid’s final request, considering the  very limited space available on the small piece  of stone.
For  days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally  his experience as a postal worker allowed him to  come up with what he thought was the appropriate  solution to the problem.
The  virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and  duly engraved, and it read as follows:
‘RETURNED   UNOPENED’

Irish Virgin 1

The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Irish Virgin 2Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,  and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’ arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker
Irish Virgin-3that she wanted the following inscription engraved on  her tombstone:
‘BORN  A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.  Irish Virgin-4 A few days after the funeral,Irish Virgin-5 as the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that  she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen Irish Virgin-6He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill  the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
Irish Virgin-7 For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

Irish Virgin-8
The  virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

‘RETURNED   UNOPENED’

Irish Virgin-RIP

Have a nice day-animationFUNNY EMAILS TO FORWARD, IRISH JOKES

Continue reading about The Elderly Irish Virgin

John on August 16th, 2010
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again
.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a
Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them

Maxine - walking


If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true

Maxine Jokes  – funny emails to forward

Continue reading about The Importance of Walking

John on August 15th, 2010

facebook_I just don't get it-fan

I’m trying to become a fan, but I just can’t get a clear “handle” on Facebook!

Any advice would be welcome.

FUNNY EMAIL TO FORWARD

Continue reading about Facebook – I just don’t get it!

John on August 10th, 2010
We Must Stop This Immediately Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long  our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than  I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize  me..
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW – even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror…
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they’re fooling?
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such  small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer’s fonts – they are smaller than they once were.

We Must Stop This Immediately

1

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?

2

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me..

3

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW – even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

4

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror…

5

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

7

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such  small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

7

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer’s fonts – they are smaller than they once were.

8

Continue reading about Conspiracy Theories

John on August 4th, 2010

Here’s something to think about.fun for older people

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said

He looked at me and said,….



‘Then, why do you even give a crap?

life-is-pain-1

Continue reading about No Sex, no drugs, no life…

John on August 3rd, 2010


An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”

The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)

frog_old -lady

Continue reading about Old Lady’s Pet Frog

John on August 3rd, 2010


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

“How are you grandpa? he asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

Viagra Bed

Continue reading about Viagra Bed

John on August 3rd, 2010


A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he’d served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, “I’ve had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what’s the 5 dollar bill for?”

The lady replied, “I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said ‘screw him, give him five bucks’, but breakfast was my idea.”

mailman mail animated gif

Continue reading about Retiring Mailman

John on August 3rd, 2010

florida driver

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

danger driving smiley -1

Continue reading about Getting Old Joke