An old man was in his golden years, but that didn’t stop him from
trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar,
approached a very young and pretty woman and said, “Where have you
been all my life?â€
The young lady takes one glance at him and says, “For the first half
of it, I wasn’t even born yet.â€
DINNER WITH THE SOCCER MOMS
A group of 40 year old soccer moms discussed where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and
nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in
peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the
ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheelchair Accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick.
A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was ‘visited by a ‘friend’ who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.
The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.
The husband came in and said…
‘It’s started to pour with rain so I thought I’d come home and watch the second half on telly.’
He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife’s visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
The husband turned to his wife and said…
‘That’s funny – I didn’t see the ref send him off.’
The French manager at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa won’t stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall.
He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said,
“Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes.”
Continue reading about Soccer / Football Jokes World Cup Jokes
New Wine for Seniors
I Â kid you not….
New Wine  for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I Â HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I Â just could not help it.
TOOOOOOO CUTE NOT TO PASS ON!!!!!
HAVE A WONDERFUL SMILEY DAY!!!
Q: Â How many animals can you fit into a
pair of  pantyhose? Now,  think about it…
Ready?
scroll  down, you’ll love  this……….
answer:
10 Â little piggy’s,
2 Â calves,
1 Â ass,
and  an unknown number of hares,
Come  on, you know you’re  laughing!
Life  is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
TOOOOOOO CUTE NOT TO PASS ON!!!!!
HAVE A WONDERFUL SMILEY DAY!!!
Q: Â How many animals can you fit into a
pair of  pantyhose? Now,  think about it…
Ready?
scroll  down, you’ll love  this……….
answer:
10 Â little piggy’s,
2 Â calves,
1 Â ass,
and  an unknown number of hares,
Come  on, you know you’re  laughing!
Life  is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
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PASSAGE OF TIME LEAVES OUT NO ONE !!!
Seeing these pictures made me feel better!
Ian Torpe
Val Kilmer
Mickey Rourke
Brendan Fraser
More after the break
Russel Crowe
Alec Baldwin
Richard Gere
Roger Moore
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Pierce Brosnan
Clint Eastwood
Rod Stewart
ARE YOU FEELING BETTER TOO???
Take care.
Memory’s Going
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
Then his wife asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
“No, I can remember that.”
“Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said.
“I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replied, “Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”
Now, finally a computer error message I can understand.
Continue reading about A Computer error message I don’t mind getting!
An elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’ Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’ Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’ ‘Nope’, she replied.. ‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’ Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,  ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
and that’s when the fight started…
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the coffee aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold,
and I decide to put it in the microwave to reheat it.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the coffee on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and, I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
(How long until I remember I left the hose running all this time?.)
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the heck I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
funny email forward, memory loss joke, old age and memory loss
Continue reading about A.A.A.D.D. Memory Loss -Getting Old Humour