| A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.”Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.” “That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!””That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. “That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.” |
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’
So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.
New year jokes – A depressed man
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.â€
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.â€
Drunk husbands….priceless
Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company’s
Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you,
Darling! Love, Jillian’He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.Joe asks:
‘Son… what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’‘Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?’His son replies, ‘Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!’Broken Coffee Table
$239.99Hot Breakfast
$4.20Two Aspirin
$.38Saying the right thing, at the
right time……priceless!!
