Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well†for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?â€
He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?â€
“Oh no,†I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!â€
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?â€
I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!â€
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?â€
“No, I don’t,†I said.
He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?â€
“No,†I said
He looked at me and said,….
‘Then, why do you even give a crap?
My wife and I had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. We decided to try one last time for the son we always wanted.
My wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. I rushed to the nursery to see my new son. I was horrified at the ugliest child I had ever seen.
“There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?â€
My wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!â€
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa? he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
“What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he’d served them for the past 45 years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, “I’ve had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what’s the 5 dollar bill for?”
The lady replied, “I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said ‘screw him, give him five bucks’, but breakfast was my idea.”
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from shock, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. Â They had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A recent study found
the average Canadian walks
about 900 miles a year.
Another study found
Canadians drink,
on average,
22 gallons of beer a year.   That means,
on average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian,
doesn’t it??!!