John on May 29th, 2010

The Male Stages Of Life

AGE       DRINK

17          beer
25          vodka
35          scotch
48          double scotch
66          Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17          My parents are away for the weekend.
25          My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35          My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48          My wife is away for the weekend.
66          My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17          sex
25          sex
35          sex
48          sex
66          napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17          “tongue”
25          “breakfast”
35          “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48          “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66          “Got home alive.”

FAVORITE FANTASY

17          getting to third
25          airplane sex
35          menage a trois
48          taking the company public
66          Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17          roaches
25          stoned-out college roommate
35          German Shepherd
48          children from his first marriage
66          Barbi

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17          25
25          35
35          48
48          66
66          17

The Female Stages Of Life

AGE         DRINK

17          Wine Coolers
25          White wine
35          Red wine
48          Dom Perignon
66          Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17          Need to wash my hair
25          Need to wash and condition my hair
35          Need to colour my hair
48          Need to have Francois colour my hair
66          Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17          shopping
25          shopping
35          shopping
48          shopping
66          shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17          “Burger King”
25          “Free meal”
35          “A diamond”
48          “A bigger diamond”
66          “Home Alone”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17          tall, dark and handsome
25          tall, dark and handsome with money
35          tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48          a man with hair
66          a man

HOUSE PET
17          Muffy the cat
25          Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35          German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48          Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66          Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17          17
25          25
35          35
48          48
66          66

IDEAL DATE
17          He offers to pay
25          He pays
35          He cooks breakfast the next morning
48          He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66          He can chew breakfast

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