funny email forward, great pictures
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead
I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner
I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favourite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it’s fun If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
- Spring is the beginning of allergy season, and I’m allergic…to blooming idiots.
- I tried hypnosis to quit smoking. Now every time I light up I quack like a duck.
- I’m never depressed by rain. I was depressed long before it started raining.
- Time for the annual parade of goofy-looking, overblown characters filled with gas. Or as I call them, relatives.
- I’d consider hormone replacement therapy, but I’ve got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first.
- I keep hitting “escape,” but I’m still here.
- Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
- Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.
- Butt jiggle is just my little way of..Waving goodbye!
- I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
- Get hooked up to high-speed Internet. It crashes a lot faster now.
- On Labor Day, if one of my relatives sees a shadow, they all quit working for six weeks.
- Few women admit their age. . . few men act it!
- Here’s a go home remedy, Go Home. Hey. it’ll make me feel better!
- Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.
- I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won’t do now; Things I won’t do later; Things I’ll Never Do…
- Sometimes I send out for pizza just to see if I can figure out what new place they’ve hidden the cheese.
- I love a brisk walk breeze, especially when the leaves blow into the neighbors yard.
- I have a holiday tradition — renting a holiday feel-good movie and refusing to feel good.
- have my own phone feature: call ignoring.
- I can never remember–is it “pass a cold and spread the flu” or “pass the flu and spread a cold”?
- I tried paying my taxes with a smile. They wanted money.
- Springtime reminds me of the ex. Especially when I’m pruning out the dead wood.
- My idea of a triple is pullin’ three muscles at once.
- Trust me. Tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are a bad combination.
- Ever feel like you’ve had too much coffee? Me neither.
- People who use unbearably long greetings on their answering machines deserve to hear the longest, loudest burp I can give ’em.
- Fall makes me grumpy. In that way, it reminds me of winter. And spring. And summer.
- Maybe I’ll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow…And maybe I won’t!
- My idea of a hot romance novel is one you use for fireplace kindling.
- Why go through all the trouble of carving scary faces into pumpkins when you can just thumb through the family photo albums?
- It’s the Christmas shopping season–time for my bank balance to go south for the winter!
- Those one-shoulder tops are great if you’re too lazy to shave both armpits.
- The great thing about trading stocks on the Internet is that if you lose your shirt, you probably have another one hanging right there in your closet.
- I have to take so many vitamin supplements now that I’m too full to eat any actual food.
- Work through lunch? I don’t even work through work.
- I want to be treated like a queen. Just not Marie Antoinette.
- I wasn’t going to do anything today…..and so far I’m right on schedule!
- Sometimes wouldn’t you like to just put the whole day in your toilet……and then flush!
- Isn’t it a little embarrassing to live in a country started by people who buckled their hats?
- Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
- I’m ready to listen. . . are you ready to think?
- Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable. . . like a coma.
- Never go to bed angry. . . stay up and plot your revenge!
- Have a nice day! (someplace else)
- Don’t believe everything you think.
- Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need.
- Shhhh. . .that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
- Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
- I don’t know what your problem is. . . but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
- Don’t make me use UPPERCASE.
- If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
- Before you came along we were hungry. . . now we’re fed up!
- You’re not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
- Would you like some cheese to go with that whine????
- I’m busy now can I ignore you some other time???
- Don’t let your mind wander. . . it’s too small to be let out on its own.
- You really are as pretty as a picture. . . I’d like to hang you.
- I’d like to give you a going-away present…first, do your part.
- I hear you changed your mind at last. . . what did you do with the diaper?
- I’d like to help you out. . . which way did you come in?
- There is no vaccine against stupidity!
- Life is TOO short to dance with ugly men.
- I’m going south for the winter.. actually… some parts of me… are headed there already!
- I think of hot-air ballooning as the most fear you’ll ever experience in a wicker basket.
- Father’s Day is a chance for dads everywhere to fall asleep on the couch in a new tie.
- I had some no-fat cheese on a pizza and it took me back…to the first time I ate paste.
- What do I want out of life? You–out of my life. Now!
- There’s a good reason why they charge so much for tickets to professional sporting events. Fans are gullible.
- You learn something new every day. Usually, how dumb yet another person is.
- I like to keep my lawn perfect–no matter how much I have to yell at the kid who cuts it.
- I love cooking outdoors! No smoke alarms!
- Softball has got to be my favorite summertime activity. I get a kick out of bald, paunchy guys who think they’re still athletes.
- Fashion magazines are society’s way of saying “If you don’t feel inadequate already, read one of these!”
- The problem with riverboat gambling is that you can’t tell if you’re queasy from losing your money or getting seasick.
- The only thing wrong with public transportation is that it involves the public.
Mother Doesn’t Want a Dog  by Judith Viorst
Mother doesn't want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
And when you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back out because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn't want a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead,
And do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn't want a dog.
She's making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
May
8
John on May 8th, 2010
Maybe I’ll stop watching, baseball, hockey, and football for a few hours on Mother’s Day.
Maybe not!
-
An ode to mothers! They have toiled, they have sacrificed, they have given more than we can ever imagine possible. Here is a special collection of Mother’s Day Quotes for our boldest and gentlest mothers. If you can’t say it with words, say it with these quotes.
- John Erskine
Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother’s Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill.
- Oscar Wilde
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
- Rajneesh
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
- Peter de Vries
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
- Author Unknown
All mothers are working mothers.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
Motherhood is priced; Of God, at price no man may dare/To lessen or misunderstand.
- Barbara Kingsolver
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.
- Jewish Proverb
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.
- Abraham Lincoln
I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.
- Mildred B Vermont
Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love.
- Henry Bickersteth
If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam.
- T. DeWitt Talmage
Mother – that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.
- Chinese Proverb
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
An ode to mothers! They have toiled, they have sacrificed, they have given more than we can ever imagine possible. Here is a special collection of Mother’s Day Quotes for our boldest and gentlest mothers. If you can’t say it with words, say it with these quotes.
Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother’s Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
All mothers are working mothers.
The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.
Motherhood is priced; Of God, at price no man may dare/To lessen or misunderstand.
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.
I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.
Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love.
If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam.
Mother – that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
