An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead!)
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa? he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
“What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he’d served them for the past 45 years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.
She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, “I’ve had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what’s the 5 dollar bill for?”
The lady replied, “I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said ‘screw him, give him five bucks’, but breakfast was my idea.”
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from shock, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. Â They had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A recent study found
the average Canadian walks
about 900 miles a year.
Another study found
Canadians drink,
on average,
22 gallons of beer a year.   That means,
on average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian,
doesn’t it??!!
MAKE TODAY THE DAY THAT CHANGES YOUR LIFE!!!
THE YAYA SISTERS
AND REMEMBER:
GOOD FRIENDS ARE L IKE STARS . YOU DON’T
ALWAYS SEE THEM, BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW
THEY ARE THERE!!!!!!
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss
Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That’s why I had to pass this on; I didn’t want to risk it.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Pee on it and walk away
Remember, when the would pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray– Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â unknown
As the global economy recovers, America’s trade activity has picked up. But imports once again grew more than exports last quarter, presenting a net drag on growth.
Gross domestic product, a broad measure of the total value of goods and services produced in a given economy, has been expanding for the last year, leading many economists to believe the recession  that began in December 2007 is technically over.
Still, G.D.P growth in the last quarter of 2009 — at an annual rate of 5 percent — was much more robust than it has been this year. This slowdown, coupled with disappointing job creation, has led to worries that the recovery is losing steam. The nation’s unemployment rate continues to linger just below 10 percent.
Here’s a HUGE reason why there is a slowdown and unemployment is so high:
E m m a  M a e r s k
The Emma Maersk, part of a Danish shipping line
chartered to Wal Mart, is shown in this photos essay.
What a ship….no wonder ‘Made in China ‘ is displacing North American made goods big time.
This monster transports goods across the Pacific in just 5 days!! This is one of three ships
presently in service, with another two ships commissioned to be completed in 2012.
These ships were commissioned by Wal-Mart to get all their goods and stuff from China . They hold
an incredible 15,000 cartons and have a 207 foot deck beam!! Â The full crew is just 13 people on a ship
longer than a US Aircraft Carrier (which has a crew of 5,000)
With it’s 207′ beam it is too big to fit through the Panama or Suez Canals ..
It is strictly transpacific. Cruise speed: 31 knots.
The goods arrive 4 days before the typical container ship (18-20 knots) on
a China -to- California  run. 91% of Walmart products are made in China .
So this behemoth is hugely competitive even when carrying perishable goods.
The ship was built in five sections. The sections floated together and then welded.
The command bridge is higher than a 10-story building and has 11Â cargo crane rigs
that can operate simultaneously unloading the entire ship in less than two hours.
Length – 1,302 ft
Width – 207 ft
Net cargo – 123,200 tons
Engine – 14 cylinders in-line diesel engine (110,000 BHP)
Cruise Speed – 31 knots
Cargo capacity – 15,000 TEU (1 TEU = 20 cubic feet)
Crew – 13 people !
First Trip – Sept. 08, 2006
Construction cost – US $145,000,000+
Silicone painting applied to the ship bottom reduces water
resistance and saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year.
A recent documentary in late March, 2010 on the History Channel noted that
all of these containers are shipped back to China , EMPTY. Yep, that’s right.
We send nothing back on these ships. What does that tell you about
the current financial state of this country? Just keep buying those imported
goods (mostly gadgets) until you run out of money.
Then you may wonder what the cause of unemployment (maybe even your job)
in the U.S. and Canada  might be????
This message, if any, surely deserves forwarding, doesn’t it ?
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.
‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams
‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .
I CAN’T PRAY?
Also:
without support from many parents ( When I was a student, If I got in trouble at school I got in more trouble at home)
with dwindling budgets and support
with the threat of losing my job if students perform poorly on state, federal or provincial tests (which  are a waste of money and time)
with a great deal of stress
with a huge workload
with low status
after 5 years of College or University Education
No wonder there are so many emails making the rounds about, WHY TEACHERS DRINK!