Feb
17
Zamboni Man
by BJ Premore
[parody of Piano Man by Billy Joel]
Annotated lyrics to Zamboni Man (follow links for annotations), side-by-side with Piano Man lyrics.
| Zamboni Man | Piano Man |
| It’s five o’clock on a Saturday | It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday |
| In two hours the game will begin | The regular crowd shuffles in |
| There’s a moron in line just ahead of me | There’s an old man sitting next to me |
| Letting hundreds of people cut in | Making love to his tonic and gin |
| Then along comes a man with a squeaky voice | He says, “Son can you play me a memory |
| “Fifty/fifty,” he yells out to me | I’m not really sure how it goes |
| So I cover my ears | But it’s sad and it’s sweet |
| To block out his cheers | And I knew it complete |
| And think about what’s soon to be | When I wore a younger man’s clothes” |
| Clean off the ice, you Zamboni Man | Sing us a song, you’re the piano man |
| Clean it off now, do it right | Sing us a song tonight |
| ‘Cause we’re all in the mood for a hockey game | Well we’re all in the mood for a melody |
| We don’t wanna be here all night | And you’ve got us feeling alright |
| Now finally the line started movin’ up | Now John at the bar is a friend of mine |
| I showed the old man my ID | He gets me my drinks for free |
| I was quick on my feet so I got a good seat | And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke |
| Right near where the Pep Band would be | But there’s someplace that he’d rather be |
| I said, “Gosh, there’s a lot of seats empty here” | He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me” |
| And I looked where that long line had been | As a smile ran away from his face |
| Why don’t I just come back at six o’clock? | “Well, I’m sure that I could be a movie star |
| There won’t be a Goddamned line then | If I could get out of this place” |
| Clean of the ice, you Zamboni Man | Sing us a song, you’re the piano man |
| I’m in the stands watching you | Sing us a song tonight |
| ‘Cause I’m waiting right here for the hockey game | Well we’re all in the mood for a melody |
| And I’ve got nothin’ better to do | And you’ve got us feeling alright |
| Now it’s time for the opening faceoff | Now Paul is a real estate novelist |
| I knock some guy down just to see | Who never had time for a wife |
| And I turn to they’re goalie–he looks kinda holey | And he’s talking with Davy who’s still in the Navy |
| And he seems like a doofus to me | And probably will be for life |
| And the game it begins with a drumroll | And the waittress is practicing politics |
| You can tell this one won’t be a bore | As the businessman slowly gets stoned |
| But we don’t think they know what they’re doing | Yes they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness |
| So we tell them to skate, shoot and score | But it’s better than drinking alone |
| Get off the ice, you Zamboni Man | Sing us a song, you’re the piano man |
| Get the hell out of my sight | Sing us a song tonight |
| ‘Cause we’re all in the mood for a hockey game | Well we’re all in the mood for a melody |
| And maybe, just maybe, a fight | And you’ve got us feeling alriight |
| There’s a pretty good crowd all around me now | It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday |
| To my left is the Burger King Band | And the manager gives me a smile |
| They’re all acting like freaks, those pencil-necked geeks | ‘Cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see |
| Singing chants that I don’t understand | To forget about life for awhile |
| And the air, it echoes profanity | And the piano sounds like a carnival |
| And the ref makes another bad call | And the microphone smells like a bar |
| And this game is a bore, we’re losing by four | And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar |
| Why couldn’t there just be a brawl? | And say “Man, what are you doing here?” |
| Clean up the ice, you Zamboni Man | Sing us a song, you’re the piano man |
| There’s nothing to watch anymore | Sing us a song tonight |
| I’ve wasted away the best part of a day | Well we’re all in the mood for a melody |
| And our hockey team can’t even score | And you’ve got us feeling alright |