John on July 31st, 2017

Old Age Humor

The Association of Retired People

Questions and Answers from a recent Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true? 
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt…”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 70 plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor!

 

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THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! 

 
We Must Organize to Stop This Immediately! 

Have you noticed that stairs are getting 
steeper?   Groceries are heavier.  And, everything is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long    our street had become! 
Description: cid:DF2C343E1F016B4FA9B6970A286F8228@namprd22.prod.outlook.comAnd, you know, people are less considerate now–especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face!  What do they think I am–a lip reader? 
Description: cid:943973DAE7494D9BB4C568B9DD3A9CA3@OwnerPCI also think they are much younger than I was at the same age…  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me. 
Description: cid:731E09E564DF48359042F047A595B82E@OwnerPCI got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY, NOW– even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 
Description: cid:ED0AD629EEA44CBCBF26E0AE286D8C93@OwnerPCAnother thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the highway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, judging from the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear-view mirror… 
Description: cid:3F3671DC5FA34E0F922A2BBE6783AA8D@OwnerPCClothing manufacturers are less civilizedthese days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make   bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial??  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they’re fooling? 
Description: cid:78861992FF564265B5031887F3AE70FB@OwnerPCI’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on–but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small   type that no one could ever find a number in there!All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! 

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. 

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John on May 10th, 2016
RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED MIND 
old age humor

You know you are old when…

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young sales lady walks over and asks, “What brings you in today?”   
 
I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.”  She didn’t quite know how to respond. 
 
Am I getting to be that age? 
You know you are old when…
 
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener instead. 
 
I was thinking about old age and decided old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too damn tired to bounce it. 
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it “Pumping Rust.”

 You know you are old when…
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to reply, “No, it’s just for company!” 
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, “An ambulance.” 
 
Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your car. 
 
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really close friends. 
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy its replacement. 
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL? 
 
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’sreally in trouble.. 
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’   and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells   ‘Theirs…’?
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 
 
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. 
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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