Best Man Jokes and One liners

Some of these best man speech one liners are as follows.

“I’ve always known (groom’s name) to have good taste in women and (bride’s name) just proves my point!”

“I have bad news for you buddy, your happy days are over!”

(best man fakes crying) “I’m going to miss you man!”

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – George Nathan

Here’s to the groom, a man who keeps his head though he loses his heart.

I had to make sure that (grooms name) day went according to plan,

so I took it upon myself to check (grooms name) post. I need to tell (grooms name) that the carpet people cannot supply your carpet this weekend, but you will get your underfelt tonight!

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about _____.

I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned _____’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

_____’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.

I tell the people that on a night of recent revelry I asked the groom what he wanted to get from his marrage. He said “Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.

And I want to be a model lover!” Being a naive chap I looked up “model” in the dictionary. It said “A small miniature replica of the real thing!”

To ____ and _______, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets.

Here’s to _____ a helluva pal, every girls guy and every guys gal.

He’s a prince, he’s a topper, he’s the King of the dance.

And he frightens the horses when he takes down his pants.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can – George Bernard Shaw

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments – Shakespeare

His designs were strictly honourable, as the saying is; that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage – Henry Fielding

A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride – Tennyson

There was an old party of Lyme

Who married three wives at a time/

When asked “Why the third?”

‘He replied “One’s absurd/

And bigamy, sir, is a crime!” – Cosmo Monkhouse (19c.)

It seemed to me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matrimony in them – Oliver Goldsmith (18c.)

If you’re having a hard time thinking up some good material you can use, you can use quotes as one liners from celebrities or historically famous people, such as:

1. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.” -Benjamin Franklin 

2. “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” -Martin Luther 

3. “Marriage isn’t a word… it’s a sentence.” -Unknown Author 

4. “In order to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” -Unknown Author 

5. “Here’s to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented!” -Heinrich Heine

6. I am married and in my house I’m the boss I just allow my wife to be the decision maker.  Woody Allen

7. I have no problem with my wife having the last word, I am just delighted when she gets to it.  Walter Matthau

8. I love being married, it is great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.  Rita Rudner

9. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.  Groucho Marx

10. If you want to read about love and marriage then you need to buy two separate books.  Alan King

11. Marriage – a word that should be pronounced “mirage”.  Herbert Spencer

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

If you are making a wedding toast, here are ideas to get your creative juices flowing.  In fact, if you don’t have to make a wedding toast then you can really let your imagination run wild.

• To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage – Lao Tzu

• Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

• Love is friendship set to music – Anonymous

• They do not love that do not show their love – William Shakespeare

• Love is life – Leo Tolstoy

• Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination – Voltaire

• May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river – Traditional African proverb

• Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul – St. Augustine

• Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity – Kahlil Gibran

• We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others – Walter Rauschenbusch

• Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same – Emily Bronte

• There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved – Georges Sand

• Without love, the world itself would not survive – Lope de Vega

• When love reigns, the impossible may be attained – Indian proverb

1. A married couple were driving along one day in the country. They had just had an argument, and now they were both being stubbornly quiet. They passed by a farm where goats, pigs, and

jackasses stood in the barnyard. The husband snorts, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife answered, “my in-laws.”

2. “Dear, I invited a friend of mine over for dinner tonight.”

“What?” the exasperated wife answers him. “Are you nuts? The house is a mess, I didn’t go grocery shopping, the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”

“I know,” replies the husband calmly. “That’s why I invited him. The poor guy’s thinking about getting married.”

3. “Congratulations!” said the prospective groom’s father to his son. “I’m sure you’ll remember today as being the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” replied the son.

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

Or, you can use a tasteful short poem or a limerick in the speech you give the couple at their wedding reception.

Here’s a favorite poem you can add to your speech:

“Today you married your best friend,

The woman you have laughed with as you share life’s wondrous zest,

As you find new joys and experience all that’s best.

The one you live for because the world seems brighter,

As your happy times are better and your burdens feel much lighter.

The one woman you love with every fiber of your soul.

Once you were incomplete; now together, you are whole.”

-Author Unknown

1. A married couple were driving along one day in the country. They had just had an argument, and now they were both being stubbornly quiet. They passed by a farm where goats, pigs, and jackasses stood in the barnyard. The husband snorts, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife answered, “my in-laws.”

2. “Dear, I invited a friend of mine over for dinner tonight.”

“What?” the exasperated wife answers him. “Are you nuts? The house is a mess, I didn’t go grocery shopping, the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”

“I know,” replies the husband calmly. “That’s why I invited him. The poor guy’s thinking about getting married.”

3. “Congratulations!” said the prospective groom’s father to his son. “I’m sure you’ll remember today as being the happiest day of your life.”  “But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” replied the son. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

Or, you can use a tasteful short poem or a limerick in the speech you give the couple at their wedding reception.

Here’s a favorite poem you can add to your speech:

“Today you married your best friend,

The woman you have laughed with as you share life’s wondrous zest,

As you find new joys and experience all that’s best.

The one you live for because the world seems brighter,

As your happy times are better and your burdens feel much lighter.

The one woman you love with every fiber of your soul.

Once you were incomplete; now together, you are whole.”

-Author Unknown

Some of the best Openings for the Best Man

1

Ladies and gentleman, I’m Jason and I have the pleasure of being here today as best man. I’d like to start by thanking Paul for his kind words, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Emma and Susan. Their handling of a particularly highly-strung bride impressed me. I’d also like to thank Paul for building your expectation of my speech to a level I cannot possibly hope to achieve.

2

Let me start by saying that I’m not very good at this sort of thing, so I request that you don’t judge my performance as best man today solely on the basis of this speech. For one, I’d like you to consider the expert way I produced the rings in church this morning. And I also deserve some best man credits for tracking Paul down when he disappeared last night – with so many train spotting opportunities in the area, it wasn’t easy.

3

Ladies and gentleman, I won’t take long over this speech. I struck a same-day discount deal with Moss Bross and this suit has to be back in 20 minutes.

4

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say last night I slept like a baby – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.

5

Thank you for those kind words, Paul. But why are you looking so nervous? Believe me, I’m not stood up here to make you look like a fool. Why should I take all the credit when you’ve just made that speech yourself?

6

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – I’m not an experienced public speaker, so I find it easier just to read the speech word for word. In fact, I’ve practised it almost daily for about a week and a half now, so that I know it very well. It’s a tip that I read in a book about public speaking. I’ve also been drinking profusely over the last two hours. I made that tip up myself.

7

First of all, ladies and gentlemen, let me thank Linda’s parents for their hospitality today. That really was a splendid meal, although being rather nervous about this speech, I think mine should just be hitting East Berkshire sewers round about … now.

8

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Jason and I’m Paul’s ‘little’ brother. I would just like to confirm, particularly to the bridesmaids, that it refers to our age difference, and no physical characteristics.

9

Ladies and gentlemen, I have decided to keep this speech as short as I can, so at least if you don’t find it funny you can compliment me on its length.

10 Just before I start … [yawn]. Sorry, at midnight last night, Paul insisted on one final trip to the Golden Triangle massage parlour. I waited in the car for him, but it was still a late night. 11 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jason. I feel like I’m slightly on trial today, because Paul said that if I do a good job here, I can be best man at his next wedding as well. 12 Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Jason, Paul’s older brother and Best Man for the day. Paul didn’t choose me in the traditional way, actually me and our other brother Sean drew straws… but just because I’m stood up here don’t for one minute think I was the winner. 13 Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m very disappointed at the moment, but I hope it doesn’t show. It’s just that this is the first time Paul has ever paid for my dinner, and I’ve been too nervous to eat anything. 14 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely smashing today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Linda. And, I’m sure you’ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without much of a ripple. 15 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had quite a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. So please spare a thought and try not to clap too loudly during my speech because I’ve got a dreadful hangover and a splitting headache. You’d think I’d know better than to be out drinking in the early hours of the morning the night before a big wedding – but Paul’s a mate and he needed some company. 16 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Paul if it’s not. 17 On behalf of the bridesmaids, I’d like to start by thanking Paul for his kind words. I’m sure everyone agrees that they look wonderful and have performed their duties splendidly. It can’t have been easy dragging Linda to the church – it certainly wasn’t easy dragging Paul. 18 Firstly, I would like to thank Paul for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids – who I am sure you will all agree look absolutely gorgeous and have carried out their duties of ensuring the bride arrives here on time and cured of all her wedding day nerves. Out of interest, how many vodka and cokes did it take? 19 Let me introduce myself, I’m Jason. Paul actually asked me to be his best man about 6 months ago when we were in the pub. But I never received a formal invitation to the wedding, so I just hope I haven’t eaten a meal meant for someone else. In fact, I’m sure it was such a simple oversight – or more likely, Paul trying to save the cost of a stamp.

Tags: best man jokes, Wedding Jokes