You heard about the England bra?
All support, no cup.
What’s the differnce between a cup of coffee and England? Coffee stays in the cup longer.
Argentina are playing England in the world cup, and Messi says to the team, “listen you all seem tired, why don’t you have a night off, have a drink and I’ll play by myself.” So they agree and Messi goes to play England by himself.
At half time the Argentinian team check the score and they see ARG 1-0 ENG (Messi 37th min). They’re all impressed and get back to what theyre doing.
After the match finishes they check the score and see ARG 1-1 ENG (Lampard 85th min). They go to their dressing room and see Messi with his head in his hands. They tell him, “Come on, cheer up you got a draw all by yourself, that’s great.”Messi replies, “No you don’t understand, I got sent off in the 60th minute.”
John Terry reckons the players missed their friends and family… remind me again what he does with his friend’s family?
John Terry is so traumatized he won’t be able to sleep with a teammate’s wife for WEEKS.
In a class, the teacher is asking everyone what jobs their parents have…
Teacher to kid: and what does your dad do?
Jimmy: he’s a stripper in a gay bar and often lets other men touch his privates
After class, teacher takes Jimmy to one side…
Teacher: is that true about your dad?
Jimmy: no, he plays football for england but I was too embarassed to say.
I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a poor team we should easily have beaten.
I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.
Oxo are bringing ot a new cube to celebrate the World Cup. It’s a white backgroung with a red cross on it. They’re going to call it ……”The laughing stock”
That bird is fairly safe sitting on the goal post. Heskey’s playing.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didnt break in to the dressing room after all but was let in by Rob Green.
BBC Sports News:
“Watch: Highlights – England v Algeria. View Time 0:09”
The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a
doctor.'” And Little Johnny, at the back of the room, yelled out, “And there’s
the teacher; …she’s dead.”
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
I’m all over that!
If the two of them play for Chicago, who will be left on the team?
Can they afford the two Superstars?
I may not know much. Just ask my wife, Maxine. But I do know that England scored 2 goals in that game today.
Another case for Instant Replay. What would it take, maybe 4 seconds to confirm it was a goal?
The Whole World knew it was in, except for the refs!!!!
Even the Vuvuzelas don’t bug me as much as this!
I think I’m going to get me one of these just to wake up the refs!!!
The English players looked good in their nice white uniforms! And that’s about it!
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
There is a poster circulated around the Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg.
‘Man offers marriage to woman supplying World Cup Final ticket for July 11, 2010. Replies must enclose photograph of ticket.’
