Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.
A New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.
In a tale as old as time, here is a short list of classic books and other literary works that were originally attacked by critics and subsequently given bad reviews.“..evidence of a diseased mind and a lacerated heart.”
– John Dunlop, ‘The History of Fiction’, 1814.
* A Midsummer Night’s Dream – William Shakeaspeare – performed in London in 1662.
“The most stupid ridiculous play that I ever saw in my life.”
– Samuel Pepys, Diary.*Â Gulliver’s Travels – Jonathan Swift – 1726.
“..evidence of a diseased mind and a lacerated heart.”
– John Dunlop, ‘The History of Fiction’, 1814.
* Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert – 1857.
“Monsieur Flaubert is not a writer.”
– Le Figaro.
*Â Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy – 1877.
“Sentimental Rubbish”
– The Odessa Courier.
*Â The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald – 1925.
“What has never been alive cannot very well go on living. So this is a book of the season only.”
– New York Herald Tribune.
*Â Catch-22 – Joseph Heller – 1961.
“Heller wallows in his own laughter… and the sort of antic behaviour the children fall into when they know they are losing our attention.”
– Whitey Balliett, New Yorker.
Take this simple test and find out.
Once again, not actual facts, just facts of life!
The Mess Test: Simply smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test: Obtain a HUGE box of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Then Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the sales assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
from The Backwoods Guide to Computer Lingo by Dave Nilsen. Illustrations were created by Dennis Cox at DJArt & Design (www.djart.com).
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot |
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire |
MONITOR: Keep’n an eye on the wood stove |
DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off’n the truck |
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood |
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood |
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood |
HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time |
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside |
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season |
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do |
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV |
MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag |
MODEM: |
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix’s wife |
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps |
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys |
SOFTWARE: |
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn |
MOUSE PAD:
|
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof |
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine |
|
ENTER: |
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun |
DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel |
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse |
