THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”
When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”
They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians”!!
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2
days then skip a day…… and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.’
‘The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the skippin’ !!
I’ve learned..
That life is like a
Roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets
To the end, the
Faster it goes.
I’ve learned…
That we should be
Glad God doesn’t
Give us everything
We ask for.
I’ve learned that…
Money doesn’t
Buy class.
I’ve learned that…
it’s those small daily happenings
that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned that…
That under everyone’s
Hard shell is someone
Who wants to be
Appreciated
And loved.
I’ve learned that…
That the Lord didn’t
Do it all in one day
What makes me
Think I can?
I’ve learned that…
That to ignore the
Facts does not
Change the facts.
I’ve learned that…
That the less time
I have to work,
The more things
I get done.
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If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you its beauty
On the days you’re feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.
If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I’m finding
Are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,
A friend who’s always there..
He Said To Me!
He said to me. . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said to me . . ……. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me… What have you been doing with the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don’t know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me…. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
“Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas  decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).. By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”
WINTER Â Poem
It’s winter  in Canada
And  the gentle breezes blow
Seventy  miles an hour
At  thirty-five  below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow’s up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut.
Yes, the  weather here is  wonderful
So I guess  I’ll hang around
I could  never leave Canada
Cuz I’m frozen to  the ground!
Have  a great day…
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. Â The doctor
comes in and says, “Well, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Â Now, you
probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. Â You’re
going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in
the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! Â But the thing
is, it doesn’t come cheap. Â It’s $1,000 an inch.” Â The man perks up at this.
“So,” continues the doctor, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. Â I mean, if you had a five-
inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-
incher this time, she might be disappointed. Â So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife… Â The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And what is the decision?” asks the doctor..
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
