A
few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blond woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It’s always been there.”
The mechanic gave the blond a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”
Scroll down to see what a 710 is!
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funny emails, blonde jokes
A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, “Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What’s more, the bloke sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D’ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Ach, nah…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Aliens are coming to Earth on Friday and their mission is to abduct all the good looking and sexy people.
You will be safe, but I’m just emailing you to say goodbye.
funny emails to forward
The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, Â and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper ‘final’ arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on  her tombstone:
‘BORN Â A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN’
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. Â 
A few days after the funeral,
as the undertaker– postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that  she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen 
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill  the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The  virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
‘RETURNED Â Â UNOPENED’
FUNNY EMAILS TO FORWARD, IRISH JOKES
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing.. I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true
Maxine Jokes  – funny emails to forward
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Blonde Cookbook
It’s fun to cook for Roger. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Roger wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. Â What a surprise when Roger brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. Â I can’t say it improved the rice any.
Today Roger asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Roger asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
Roger did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. Â I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Roger keeps counting to ten.
Roger’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Roger. If I can talk Roger into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
funny emails to forward |
Gardening is one of my hobbies. Until very recently, I spent a great deal of time and effort driving to various garden centres to find the perfect accessories for my garden. However, lately, I have become much more comfortable purchasing items online. The biggest advantage to buying items online is that you save a great deal of time and effort. When you shop for books, music, gift baskets and garden supplies such as fiber glass planters online, you get a tremendous selection and you know exactly what you are ordering.
I purchased a fiberglass planter over the internet and was very happy with the product when it arrived at my home. A number of sites, such as eplanters.com are designed to help the customer with the shopping experience and completing the transaction easily and thoroughly. They also offer a wide variety of products at reasonable prices. I found that fiberglass planters look great in my garden. Not only was it very decorative but the quality was excellent and I’m confident that it will last a long time.
The Internet is there 24/7, and is always willing to wait for you to come make a purchase whether it be the latest novel or the fiber glass planters that you know will be beautiful in your garden.
Note: The preceding was a paid review.
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it is H to O
Teacher: Now Sam tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Willy: Me
Teacher: Tommy why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George
Silvia: Daddy can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.
Teacher: How do you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don’t bite any
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “Iâ€.
Ellen: I is
Teacher: No Ellen, always say, “I amâ€
Ellen: Alright, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: Can anybody give an example of a “COINCIDENCE�
Johnny: “Sir, my mother and father got married same day same time.â€
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but admitted doing it. Do you know why his father did not punish him?
Johnny: Because George still has the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: School Ahead! Go Slow
FUNNY EMAILS TO FORWARD
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“Could never figure out why they didn’t hire me?”
You might find others better looking the more you drink, but it seems the reverse is not also true.
U.S. academic researchers have found evidence of what they call the “imbibing idiot bias.”
The problem is that this bias doesn’t just come into play at 3 a.m. in your favourite bar, but also in the job interview. The study by researchers from the University of Michigan and the University of Pennsylvania found that job applicants who drink alcohol -even if they’re sober during the interview -are perceived to be less intelligent.
“Merely holding an alcoholic beverage may reduce the perceived intelligence of the person,” Scott Rick and Maurice Schweitzer wrote.
So if you meet a prospective employer, whether over lunch or at a social occasion, ditch the drink, even if the employer is holding one -and especially if the employer is not.
In the study’s mock interviews, in which the job-seeker ordered wine after the manager ordered a soft drink (the two choices offered), the job seeker was “especially punished” with low ratings for perceived intelligence, the study said.
FUNNY EMAIL TO FORWARD
I’m trying to become a fan, but I just can’t get a clear “handle” on Facebook!
Any advice would be welcome.
FUNNY EMAIL TO FORWARD