Things you don’t say to your wife…

Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect marriage

1.  Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2.  We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is  in California ,  and mine is in Texas .

3.  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4.  I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  ’Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.

5.  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6.  She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.

She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So, I bought her an electric chair.

7.  My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.   I asked where the car was. She told me,  ’In the lake.’

8.  She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

9.  She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10.  Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11.  I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12.  I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.   I don’t like to interrupt her.

13.  The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’

I said, ‘Dust!’