Remembering Dad
When I was:
Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.
Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.
Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.
Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.
Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of
date.
Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.
Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he’s had a lot of experience.
Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.
Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.
Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?â€
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no!
On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now
NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not Wanting
to harm this old body, I’ve devised the following:
Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
Whew! What a workout!
The Male Stages Of Life
AGEÂ Â Â Â Â Â DRINK
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â beer
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â vodka
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â scotch
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â double scotch
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My parents are away for the weekend.
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My wife is away for the weekend.
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â sex
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “tongue”
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “breakfast”
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Got home alive.”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â getting to third
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â airplane sex
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â menage a trois
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â taking the company public
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â roaches
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â stoned-out college roommate
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â German Shepherd
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â children from his first marriage
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Barbi
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 25
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 35
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 48
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 66
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 17
The Female Stages Of Life
AGEÂ Â Â Â Â Â Â Â DRINK
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Wine Coolers
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â White wine
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Red wine
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Dom Perignon
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to wash my hair
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to wash and condition my hair
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to colour my hair
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to have Francois colour my hair
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Burger King”
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Free meal”
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “A diamond”
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “A bigger diamond”
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Home Alone”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome with money
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â a man with hair
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â a man
HOUSE PET
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Muffy the cat
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 17
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 25
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 35
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 48
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 66
IDEAL DATE
17Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He offers to pay
25Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He pays
35Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He cooks breakfast the next morning
48Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â He can chew breakfast
funny email forward
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice.
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.â€
“Sirâ€, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?â€
“You’re darn right it is!†replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!â€
